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Version 2.0: 1/99 thru 1/01 |
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Never Say This
To a Cop!
Say What?
Rules That
Guys Wish Women Knew!!
100 Ways to
Annoy a Pizza Order Taker
So You Think
You're Having a Bad Day?
Never Say This
To a Cop!
- Bad cop! No doughnut for you!
- Well, when I reached down
to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap
and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.
- Sorry I can't hear you over
the radio. No I'm not turning it down, I love this
song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
- No. You tell me how fast I
was going. The needle stops at 95.
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize
my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- Hey is that a 9 mm? That's
nothin' compared to this .44 magnum.
- I thought you had to be in
relatively good physical condition to be a Police
Officer.
- Hey, you must've been doin'
about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
- What do you mean have I been
drinking? You're the trained expert.
- Excuse me, is it true that
people become cops because they are too dumb to work
at McDonalds?
- Gee Officer! That's terrific!
The last officer only gave me a warning too.
Say What?
Nobody will ever win the battle
of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the
enemy.
There's a fine line between
fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room
and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs
spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world
ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia.
(unless you are in Australia - then start worrying)
Outside of a dog, a book is
man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to
read.
Character is what you are. Reputation
is what people think you are.
Drive carefully. It's not only
cars that are recalled by their maker.
Live for Jesus now and spend
eternity in the non-smoking section.
A loser is a window washer on
the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
A man usually feels better after
a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but
enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting,
are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile
than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed...
well, so much for sky diving.
Speed kills but it gets you
there faster.
I hope to die peacefully sleeping
like my grandfather, not scraming in terror like the
passengers in his car.
Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew!!
1. If you think you're putting on weight, you probably
are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it
down.
3. Don't cut your hair, ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines Day, and Anniversaries are
not quests to see if he can find the perfect present,
again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Deal with
it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the
shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different;
it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Saturday afternoon = 3D sports. It's like the full
moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. Really. REALLY!
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't
expect us to.
16. Your dad is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot
and his dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, I don't know what day it is. I never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing
from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what
makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
23. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your own oil. And when the freaking oil light
comes on, do something about it!
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to
take the quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. All comments become null and void after
7 days.
29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
30. If something we said could be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant
the other one.
31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how
can we know how pretty you are?
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done, not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever comments
you have during the commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and
neither do we.
35. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need
it.
100 Ways to Annoy a Pizza Order
Taker
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while
ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing
that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had
this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the
other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise
me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap
about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly
sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST
FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song
from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell
them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy
bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If
phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave
as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If
they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and
become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her
to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisine. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal
pattern as follows from an equation you are about to
dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.
Say "Bed-Wetters Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little
later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have
it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up
to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they
say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni."
Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they
say yes, say "Well,so is this! You've got some explaining
to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in
fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do youknow
what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your
lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece
back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your
lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza
is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh?
Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if
the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for
your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about
country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie
people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with
this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your
dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen
of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself,
and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them,
and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start
fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a
Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say
you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell
his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus
Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare,
"I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place),
Take 1, and. …. action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a
little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds
throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on
the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date
and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship
is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking
a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term.
Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone.
Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to
your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include
another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop
talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest
an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't
take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced
gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code
on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked
to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make
the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang
up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly.
When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third
time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that
sounds complicated. Ihate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say
"We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate
pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying
it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't
mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing
loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is
fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she
is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour
to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so."
Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If the order taker rejects any of the above practices,
Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
So You Think You're Having a Bad
Day?
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals
were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten
by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare
room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and
study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped
and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally
retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt
on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from
the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day
record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had
left him and his phone and electricity had been cut
off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen,
shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending
to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked
him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking
his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been
happily listening to his walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the
cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn.
Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped
through a broken fence and stampeded trampling the two
hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return
to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting that it was the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
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